blissfulwhisper

I write somewhere else now...

http://laurachrist.wordpress.com

There’s a hunger and a burning in my soul these days. It’s something I can’t quite explain. And I wish it were 100% a good thing, but it’s something I have to let go of.

I know that in my walk with God, I have to lay down my life every day. But I wish I wanted to lay this down, to give God the glory, and say, “OK, you know best. And I will wait on your best for my life.”

Maybe he is trying to show me that in my weakness he is so strong and so loving and so powerful. Maybe he wants to humble my heart. Maybe it’s something I can’t see or understand right now, but all I want to do is trust him.

This is the last day of July, and God has brought me so far this year from the person I used to be. But I still feel like I am waiting on so much to be done.

What God Has Promised



God has not promised skies always blue

Flower- strewn pathways all our lives through.

God has not promised sun without rain

Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.


But God has promised strength for the day

Rest for the labor, light for the way

Grace for the trials, help from above

Unfailing sympathy, undying love.

-Annie Johnson Flint

tonight i went to new orleans. it was amazing. to be back in the french quarter. to hear the music. to see all the different people that encompass the city.

and i do hope to be there again soon.

the reason we (i went with a Christina) went was to see a concert. my favorite singer, mat kearney, performed tonight to open for another band. there were only about 5 songs, but this was the first time i was able to see him live. it was worth every moment.

we then had dinner and beignet's at cafe du monde. they had a lovely jazz trio performing right outside. i was blown away by the talent of these men. and it just brings a mood i can't quite describe. for that moment every one was at peace and so jubilant listening to this music and i wanted to stay there for as long as possible...

there's so many things i wish i could write here in terms of how i felt today. it was simply a beautiful day. i hope i can capture some moments like this again soon. and all i have left to say is, i wish you were there with me.

I can hear the sound of rain on the tin roof of my house... and it is so peaceful.

Sometimes I wonder why I am so afraid of things. I am afraid of life and what is going to happen far too often. I need to trust in the one who made me. And I guess it's moments like these that help me to realize that. You know, the moments where something truly comforts you. Like the rain.

"When your secret heart
Cannot speak so *easily*
Come here darlin'
From a whisper start
To have a little faith in me...

Well, I've been loving you for such a long, long time
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend *for you and me*
Cause for us there is no end
All you gotta do is have a little faith in me
I said I will hold you up, I will hold you up"

-Have a Little Faith in Me.

this week i learned some important lessons:

one. God is always faithful.  why am i having to be constantly reminded of this?

two. God is always in control.  ditto.

three. i have everything i truly need.

four. learning to love others as myself is going to be a long process. a life long process.

five. you are just as selfish in moments of depression and low self esteem, as you are in moments of egotism.

it's funny how the most cliche of lessons are the ones you have to learn over and over and over and over and over again.

why do i do what i do? why do i think what i think?

at the end of my life, i should have something, something... something.  but yet, i have everything i need.  or do i?

just thinking....

i miss

the cool warmth of spring

my heart believing

my eyes deceiving

the dreaming

my heart beating

only for you


i miss

every note

the song you wrote

the words you spoke

the life you broke

only for me

I am bored. Bored with life. And then I change my mind.

I am really trying to be more satisfied with life and who I am and what it is I need to do as an individual, but nothing ever changes. I am stagnant.

Natural peanut butter is soooo yummy.... anyone else tried an all natural diet? i'm considering doing it halfway, so i can be mostly healthy.

today i am expecting, no confessing, a GREAT day, even if i'll be inside cleaning all day. i like to clean sometimes. is that wierd?

a broken and contrite heart, oh Lord, you will recieve.

the world makes me so angry sometimes.

i am not sure if anyone read my words here... well there are few. i spend my blogging time on xanga so i usually just post the same thing here. i am tired of that.

i really have no idea what to write in this one.

well just for the sake of writing something... i want passion. passion beyond measure for something. my main passions should be poured into God and what he has for me here.... but i also want passion for something to do on this earth. like painting. i just want to go buy a canvas and let everything pour onto it. everything inside of me. am i actually using my prayer time to let these things out? obviously not if it's still all bottled up inside.

on a happy note... i got a temp job. it doesn't pay much but it will work until i get something better.

and i got a haircut. very cute. i'll post some pictures of it soon.

blah.

oh, life, you have gone by so fast.

i thought you would slow down, but you aren't

the moment i truly breathe will be glorious.

my mind has been failing me much these days.

only one more week and i am done!!!! but the more and more i look at jobs, the more and more frightened i become. and the more frightened i become, the more i realize how small i am.

i know God has a plan for my life, but i hope that isn't being jobless for awhile... no i will find a good job. my degree has to be worth something, right?

i just want to move to London.

wow... i just got this great book in the mail today
called, "enjoying God" and i read through the first
half of the chapter only to be astounded by how much
God loves us.

sure we've heard it all of our lives, but it goes so
much deeper than we realize. the author quotes the
words of ezekial 16:1-14 to show what God tells us
about how he sees us:

"1 The word of the LORD came to me: 2 "Son of man,
confront Jerusalem with her detestable practices 3 and
say, 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says to
Jerusalem: Your ancestry and birth were in the land of
the Canaanites; your father was an Amorite and your
mother a Hittite. 4 On the day you were born your cord
was not cut, nor were you washed with water to make
you clean, nor were you rubbed with salt or wrapped in
cloths. 5 No one looked on you with pity or had
compassion enough to do any of these things for you.
Rather, you were thrown out into the open field, for
on the day you were born you were despised.

6 " 'Then I passed by and saw you kicking about in
your blood, and as you lay there in your blood I said
to you, "Live!" [a] 7 I made you grow like a plant of
the field. You grew up and developed and became the
most beautiful of jewels. [b] Your breasts were formed
and your hair grew, you who were naked and bare.

8 " 'Later I passed by, and when I looked at you
and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread
the corner of my garment over you and covered your
nakedness. I gave you my solemn oath and entered into
a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign LORD , and
you became mine.

9 " 'I bathed [c] you with water and washed the
blood from you and put ointments on you. 10 I clothed
you with an embroidered dress and put leather sandals
on you. I dressed you in fine linen and covered you
with costly garments. 11 I adorned you with jewelry: I
put bracelets on your arms and a necklace around your
neck, 12 and I put a ring on your nose, earrings on
your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. 13 So
you were adorned with gold and silver; your clothes
were of fine linen and costly fabric and embroidered
cloth. Your food was fine flour, honey and olive oil.
You became very beautiful and rose to be a queen. 14
And your fame spread among the nations on account of
your beauty, because the splendor I had given you made
your beauty perfect, declares the Sovereign LORD . "

If you believe in his words, rejoice in the love he
has for you today! the love that was perfectly
displayed when he took our sins on the cross!

for a time i've been so unruly
one day sure and the next not
is my heart growing thistles or is it breaking
i want it to swell with love for you Lord
even if it costs me everything
if you could just reach down and keep pulling out the thorns
if you could continue this embrace
i would very much like that
but i forget that you never leave
even in my darkest hour you are right here
you are constantly holding me
father i give you my heart and all that i am
renew my mind, my heart, my plans
until all i can see is your grace
while i am trapped in the wordly place

it's so amazing to me that in the midst of my brokenness, fear, and anxiety... in the midst of my humanity and sinfulness... when i always feel so low... if i just give it ALL to God and surrender my all to him... if i just seek him even when i feel like i just don't feel like it or that i'm not too sure of things... or even when i feel like my faith isn't real... he shows me HIS GLORY. that it is all about him and not about us. that he reveals his majesty and his amazing love and his holiness and righteousness.

we are nothing without him. nothing. we will never be good enough to please him as hard as we try. he is supreme and he is our God.

i know that anything good that ever came out of me was and is not from me. the only reason i can do anything good is because Jesus took my sin on the cross. let us never bost in what we do but in what he does.

i don't know why i am saying all this. today was rough, though routine and through my struggle to understand why i am such a failure as a human, God revealed to my heart HIS VICTORY and POWER and HIS LORDSHIP. not to mention over the past few months he is showing his undying love for me. believe it or not, he pursues us, we just have to let him.

you can't handle it, God can. God works in us to give us victory. so whatever we may have think we achieved on our own, the strength comes from God.

this may be random, but i feel like everything is pouring out of me. his love just overflows and i can only be thankful....

you don't have to read the following scripture, but i found it sounds beautiful. out of all the poetry and books and beautiful words written by men in the world, none can compare to the words inspired by God in the bible. i just love how he shows in these verses how he created everything, the world, us, the creatures that roam among us... and how he takes care of us, but he is the only one worthy of glory. his beauty.... his majesty are uncomparible...

Psalm 104

Praise the LORD , O my soul.
O LORD my God, you are very great;
you are clothed with splendor and majesty.
He wraps himself in light as with a garment;
he stretches out the heavens like a tent
and lays the beams of his upper chambers on their waters.
He makes the clouds his chariot
and rides on the wings of the wind.
He makes winds his messengers,

flames of fire his servants.
He set the earth on its foundations;
it can never be moved. You covered it with the deep as with a garment;
the waters stood above the mountains. But at your rebuke the waters fled at the sound of your thunder they took to flight;
they flowed over the mountains,
they went down into the valleys,
to the place you assigned for them.
You set a boundary they cannot cross
never again will they cover the earth
He makes springs pour water into the ravines;
it flows between the mountains.
They give water to all the beasts of the field;
the wild donkeys quench their thirst.
The birds of the air nest by the waters;
they sing among the branches.
He waters the mountains from his upper chambers;
the earth is satisfied by the fruit of his work.
He makes grass grow for the cattle,
and plants for man to cultivate-
bringing forth food from the earth:
wine that gladdens the heart of man,
oil to make his face shine,
and bread that sustains his heart.
The trees of the LORD are well watered,
the cedars of Lebanon that he planted.
There the birds make their nests;
the stork has its home in the pine trees.
The high mountains belong to the wild goats;
the crags are a refuge for the coneys.

The moon marks off the seasons,
and the sun knows when to go down.
You bring darkness, it becomes night,
and all the beasts of the forest prowl.
The lions roar for their prey
and seek their food from God.
The sun rises, and they steal away;
they return and lie down in their dens.
Then man goes out to his work,
to his labor until evening.
How many are your works, O LORD !
In wisdom you made them all;
the earth is full of your creatures.
There is the sea, vast and spacious,
teeming with creatures beyond number-
living things both large and small.
There the ships go to and fro,
and the leviathan, which you formed to frolic there.
These all look to you
to give them their food at the proper time.
When you give it to them,
they gather it up;
when you open your hand,
they are satisfied with good things.
When you hide your face,
they are terrified;
when you take away their breath,
they die and return to the dust.
When you send your Spirit,
they are created,
and you renew the face of the earth.
May the glory of the LORD endure forever;
may the LORD rejoice in his works-
he who looks at the earth, and it trembles,
who touches the mountains, and they smoke.
I will sing to the LORD all my life;
I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.
May my meditation be pleasing to him,
as I rejoice in the LORD.
But may sinners vanish from the earth
and the wicked be no more.

Praise the LORD , O my soul.
Praise the LORD .

Sometimes I sit here and wish I could go back and fix my mistakes. But I'm not really sure how different things would be. I have to wonder if anyone ever got a second chance...

But I guess mistakes are there so we can learn from them and grow and move on. It just sucks when you look back on things and hate it all.

Someday all of the crap in life will make sense.